I had a dream last night that called to me in a way I haven’t felt in some time now. In the dream, I was sitting at my bedroom window staring out into the eye of a thunderstorm. I felt drawn toward it, as if connected by wire. It felt divine and I had to move toward it. I climbed out my window and began walking through the torrential downpour toward this beckoning light of energy, deeper into the storm. I walked and walked, silently and unfazed by the rumbling thunder and surges of lightning extending like olive branches from the sky. I was deep in a state of peace and clarity that I had mindfully made the decision to detach from the destruction happening around me as though I could feel my soul resurrecting from a long and perilous slumber. I began a journey up a mountain and as I came closer to this light I could feel myself awaken toward a transcendent state of mind. I had completely detached from my surroundings, becoming nothing more than a source of energy being lured by wire toward a blessing that I knew was waiting for me. I reached the top of the mountain and looked out at the storm surrounding me. I was in the eye of it and it was calm and it was bright.
At the top of the mountain was a fruitful tree and beneath it stood a man with a long beard and wrinkles drooping from the corners of his eyes as if he had spent eternity smiling. He called out to me telepathically. He began to speak, not in words, but in a feeling floating through space, with an energy so powerful that the silence became deafening. He had brought me there to deliver my truth to me. He told me, “You are here for a purpose, made to feel things in a way so powerful that the rest of the world could never comprehend or handle. You, my dear, are one of the few people blessed with this gift of magic and mysticism. You must trust that your spiritual intuition will act as a guiding force.” I began to grow warm inside, tingling in my fingers. My breath became smooth and steady. He continued, “You are governed by the law of attraction and each person you meet will become better because you share a piece of your light. You mustn't waste this gift. Please, Sarah, you must cherish it, practice it, strengthen it and find total devotion to this cause.” I wondered to myself how I could attain such power and as if he could hear my thoughts, he spoke softly through the crackling thunder. “Be careful only to share this gift with those who can truly appreciate it, who will benefit greatly so as not to burn yourself out. You must conserve your vital energy.” Though he didn’t speak these truths to me in words, I could feel them becoming internalized in me as I gazed into his soulful eyes. I screamed out to him, “But what does all this mean? How can I utilize this gift? How will I find it inside myself?”
Finally he said to me, “ Sarah, you were put on this planet to be a healer. You must practice mindfulness and seek enlightenment. When the truth is found, you will achieve your destiny.” Still, I had so many questions unanswered. I was stunned and confused yet hopeful. I knew the answers were inside of me; I just had to ask myself the right questions. I then saw myself from outside of my body, through the eyes of the old man. I was standing on the top of this mountain, having just received my prophecy; I was ready to endure the challenges I had been put on this planet for.
When I awoke from this dream, I thought about everything I have learned and everything I have worked so hard for up until now. I think back to my time in Yoga teacher training and everything I learned while there. I derived much meaning in my life from the teachings in the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. One sutra I studied that has become thematic in my life is chapter 1, sutra 15. This sutra speaks about non attachment to the physical world. In order to move closer toward enlightenment, we must achieve mastery of our desires and obsession. Achieving this nonattachment and to forgo materialism will enable us to have healthy relationships with everything in the world, both animate and inanimate.
As a healer, I must never forget to put myself first and to value my gift. I must give what I can but never more. I must learn to put my inhibitions on the shelf when aiding someone else's spiritual growth. I must remember never to lose sight of who I am and never act at the expense of another or myself. It's hard to say where to draw the line when I hunger to save lost souls. To see a person with their energy depleted, often causes me to starve my own at the hope they will eat from my plentiful plate. With such strong vibrational energy, I often find myself and other healers like myself are drawn to people with all types of frequencies, both negative and positive. At times, my intuition can be misguided as I sometimes try to block out darkness when searching for the flickering flame inside every person's soul. The relationships we foster with people aren't always toxic to begin with, and most never rot, but rather flourish.
I’ve come to find that I am constantly building friendships with people who externally present themselves as spiritual, mindful and conscious individuals. I’ve come to find that a handful of these people use this as a mask, a front they put up to be perceived as something they so wish they could be. It's those who are hurting most, who are in the deepest denial that often engage in material activities to convince themselves and others that they are living in a false state of peace. Spirituality doesn’t come from crystals and herbs and attempted manifestations. It comes from the acceptance that the world around you exists as it is and that true contentment comes from within, from vairagyam, meaning nonattachment in sanskrit. They want so badly to feel whole inside and to feel enlightened that they often latch on to healers. I do have faith that people who need mending can achieve this, but you must first look into your own heart and admit that help is needed.
We all, myself included, can always use help. There is no end all be all in spiritual exploration and the most experienced and profound healers will attest to that. I’m not going to say that each and every day of my life is lived good and holy. I too trek away from the path toward enlightenment just like everyone else. It is important to understand that your journey belongs to yourself and that you can’t blame anyone else for your misfortune. To become truly mindful is to live life with a state of serenity completely independent from havoc in your life.
As a healer, I often find myself craving spiritual health for myself as well as the people around me. With this gift of healing, comes responsibility. It comes with a type of intuition that many others don’t want to understand and it can take a toll on your own spiritual journey. I have been working hard to be less forceful in my deep desire to help people, and though it is well-intentioned, you cannot force a dying tree to grow. While I have made it my mission to help people as a career, it is hard to separate that mission from my personal life and claim the space that I need to focus on my own healing. Naturally, I am drawn toward helping people and welcome people in search of guidance. The problem of responsibility remains complicated as many people come in and out of my life in need of help they do not want or cannot ask for but so evidently need when seen through the eyes of a healer. Additionally, getting involved with the growth of people you care so deeply for can form an unhealthy and even obsessive attachment to the wellbeing of another and can often take a toll on the healer. Some experienced and well practiced healers are able to maintain that nonattachment when guiding those they care about on their spiritual journey. I am not yet in a place where I can detach from that innate hunger to help those who don’t want it. I am learning to use my healing powers as a guiding light rather than forcing them upon people I know have so much power inside of them and can’t seem to express it.
I often find myself stuck on people like this and have in the past grown to have very irresponsible relationships with people I wanted so desperately to show what I saw inside of them that they couldn’t feel inside themselves. I have an instinct for sensing a person's power, but with power comes responsibility, and many people subconsciously fear that. I am learning to take a step back. I am learning the importance of rechanging. I am learning how time can heal and some people simply don’t want to be saved. I’m learning that I can’t feel responsible for others not knowing their own worth. I often am drawn toward people with strong and radiant energies. It is hard when you see someone suffering and you have this innate need inside of you to do everything in your power to show them their worth, to show them what they are capable of, to show them how they are wasting it. Feeling responsible for others is a big part of being a healer but at what cost?
As a healer, I must always take time to recharge, to put myself first and to detach from the things that I can't fix. I must accept the world around me for what it is and remember we are all made in the eyes of god. Everything that has and will happen is all in god's plan and sometimes, you need to learn when to cut the wire, take a step back, reevaluate and remember you are in control of your own destiny. This summer, under the guidance of Ananta Ripa Ajmera, I have expedited my growth through the power of Ayurveda and internalized all the lessons she has taught me to find the answers in myself that I have sought out for so long. If there is one thing she has instilled in me that stands out among many it is this: as a healer, you must first learn your own value and to only share your gift with those who value it.